A Therapist's Musings

Emotionally unavailable has become a common way of describing someone who struggles with closeness, communication or intimacy. It is often used when a relationship feels one-sided: you want to talk about what is happening between you, but the other person changes the subject; you try to get closer, but they pull away; you ask for reassurance, but their response leaves you feeling as though you are asking for too much. The term can be useful, but it can also make something qu

Many people find themselves asking this question after the end of a difficult relationship. Perhaps they have experienced the same dynamics several times: becoming involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable, feeling responsible for keeping the relationship together, tolerating behaviour that they know is hurtful, or becoming increasingly anxious about whether the other person still cares. With some distance, the pattern can seem obvious. Yet when it happens again

Why do I understand my patterns but still can't change them? There is a particular kind of frustration that can come with self-awareness. You know what you do. You know that you withdraw when someone gets too close. You know that you become defensive when you feel criticised. You know that you keep choosing people who are emotionally unavailable. You know that you avoid difficult conversations until resentment builds. You know that you become overly responsible for other

How to cut down on alcohol For some people, drinking, smoking weed or using drugs becomes a way of dealing with stress, switching off, managing difficult emotions or simply getting through the day. The problem is that something that starts as a way of coping can gradually become the main way we cope. It can be useful to ask yourself: What role is alcohol or drug use playing in my life right now? Are you using more than you intended? Finding it difficult to have a night or

In recovery, it is often recommended you avoid your triggers. What are triggers and why do they matter? Addiction is a complex issue that affects millions of lives worldwide. While the reasons behind addiction are multifaceted, one crucial element that plays a significant role in maintaining addictive behaviours is the concept of "triggers." The science behind triggers Triggers in addiction are like alarm bells for the brain, and can be defined as a stimulus or cue that a

Addiction is often talked about in terms of willpower, bad choices or a lack of self-control. These ideas can make it difficult to understand what addiction actually is and can leave people struggling with shame rather than getting the support they need. There are also a lot of assumptions about what addiction looks like. You might picture someone who has completely lost control of their life, but addiction isn't always that obvious. People can continue working, maintaining

Harm reduction and substance use When we talk about substance use, the conversation often focuses on stopping completely. While abstinence is an important goal for many people, it is not always where someone is when they first seek help. Harm reduction takes a different starting point. Rather than focusing only on whether a person is using substances, it looks at how the risks associated with that use can be reduced. Harm reduction does not mean encouraging or approving of

Understanding addiction and the brain Substance use disorders (SUDs) wield a profound influence on the human brain, reshaping its structure and function in ways that perpetuate the cycle of addiction. A deeper understanding of these brain changes is crucial for developing effective strategies to mitigate their impact and pave the way for lasting recovery. Understanding Substance Use Disorder's Impact on the Brain The brain is an intricate network of neurons and neurotransmit